Psalm of My Heart

you’ve been clinging to this boat; 

you think you’re drowning.

the waves are too high,

so you cower

beneath the benches

in your vessel.
that sea monster, 

the one you thought

you finally put to rest,

he’s clawing relentlessly,

dragging you down a familiar cycle:

what if this,

what if that.

you’re assuming the worst,

but beloved,

I can create the best

from any situation.
listen,

My child:

step out of the boat.
you think I’m crazy.

the waves

the monster

the water—

the boat is your safe haven.

how could I ask you to leave?
do not rely upon the boat:

under pressure,

it will splinter,

leaving you awash

in your sea of monsters and fear.
I do not desire for you

a spirit of fear;

I have given you a spirit of power,

of love,

and of a sound mind.

you will crush the cobra

under your heel;

you will walk waves,

you will conquer this

water beast.
you fear giving up control.

if you aren’t

worrying,

planning,

exploring every detail,

you feel

life will fall apart.
trust in Me;

step out of the boat.
your first step will be shaky;

this is okay.

beloved,

fix your eyes

upon Me.
ignore the rushing waters;

I am their creator.

ignore the writhing monster;

at the sound of My Name,

it will flee.
I am greater than your fears;

I am more than your temptations;

I have conquered your anxiety.

you are not the first

to struggle,

but I have already died in battle,

and I have already won the war.
I am your fortress;

in My arms,

you will be safe.
PS: This is the original and English version of my poem “Digmaan” 😊

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to jen

May kausap ako kagabi, as usual nagdadrama siya. Nakakairita na ng sobra kaya dito ko na ilalabas ha. Sa’yo na walang ibang inisip kundi kung gaano ka-unfair sa’yo ang universe, basahin mo ‘to.

All the while sinasabi mo pinagdadamutan ka, pero ang totoo ikaw ang nagdadamot sa sarili mo. Gustong-gusto mong naghahabol sa tao at sasabihin na sinaktan at pinaasa ka. Matigas kasi ang ulo mo. Hindi mo nakikita na paulit-ulit lang ang proseso. Sa bawat tangang hinahabol mo eh may tangang handang tumigil para sa’yo. ‘Wag mong ipagdamot sa sarili mo ang maging masaya at maramdaman na deserving ka. Ay teka mali, walang kailangan magparamdam sa’yo nang kung ano ang deserving sa’yo at hindi kundi ang sarili mo. Alamin mo ang gusto mo. Matuto kang makuntento. Matuto kang maghintay. At kapag alam mo na kung paano yang mga yan ay tama na sa pagiging tanga. Pwede ba? 

Minsan kasi di ka naman talaga tanga eh, madrama at OA ka lang. Pinapalalim ang mga bagay na sobrang dali lang ng solusyon. ‘wag mo nang isipin. Iwan mo. Masakit? Oo. Pero mas masakit kapag sarili mo na ang nawala sa proseso nang pilit mong pagbuo sa ibang tao. Dapat nagtutulungan kayong mapagbuti ang mga sarili niyo, hindi yung pareho niyo lalong sinisira ang isa’t-isa. Tandaan mo – kapag handa ka na, ituturo Niya na yun sa’yo. Hayaan mo lang Siya. Ang tanging magagawa mo lang ay ihanda ang sarili mo. Tanggapin na hindi lahat ng gustuhin mo ay makukuha mo. ‘Wag lahat ng dadaan salubungin mo. Pwedeng mag-hello ka lang tapos umiwas na. ‘Wag lahat subukan at tambayan. Alam mo na naman yan eh. Pinipilit mo lang kasi na may magiging bago kahit sa una pa lang nakita mo nang may mali. 

Remember what you’re worth. You have something in you that no one else in the world has. You are special and you know it. Sometimes you doubt your capabilities because of people who belittle you – people who have no idea who you truly are and what you’re made of. There are days when you feel so small you just want to disappear. The world is cruel and you can get lost in other people’s ideas of you. Always remember that God made you exactly who you are for a reason and He made no mistake. You are awesome and you are capable of doing many wonderful things, so go out there and never forget who you are.
PS: I wrote this for me

i wrote this for you

We were always taking scissors to our paper hearts—
Cutting shapes to let the light in,
Then throwing the scraps like confetti,
though,
They fell more like rain.
We just wanted to feel something,
But now we’re puppets without strings—

We spent so much time trying to get free,
We never dreamed of where we’d go,
Or if we’d go there together.
Now I’m tangled in our goodbyes and telephone wires;

There’s a hole in my chest where yours used to touch.
I see your face when I look in the mirror,
As if I’ve forgotten whose shadow was sewn to the soles of my feet.
I carry you with me—
maybe out of habit,

maybe 

out of love.
To be honest,
I can’t tell them apart;
I don’t think I ever could.
When you see the moon
Illuminate the fog,
Comforted by the creak —
the sound of the footsteps
as you leave,

would you miss me? 

an open letter to my almost-everything

I don’t know where to start. I have so much to get off my chest and I’ve just been so depressed lately. Please don’t think this is your fault because it isn’t, well not all of it. I don’t know it just feels like I’m not needed or wanted here anymore. What hurt most is that you said it yourself; it hurt like hell reading your message saying “… di ka nakakatulong…” because that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling and I tried my best not to feed the negative vibes and thought of the opposite. But I was right, and I didn’t mean to be useless…. I just got tired putting up with and to your ego.

Don’t take this the wrong way but I think this sht applies better to my side of whatever the hell this is. Like good God you make me feel things I spent months telling myself didn’t exist. I’m so freaking caught up in you and what we had. I hate you so freaking much for breaking my walls down because now I know I’m not nearly as strong as I want to be. and seeing you live life like without me in the picture and always just at the backstage kills me but then I stop and think about the fact that if I was what you needed we’d still be together. But no matter how much I fucking tried I just wasn’t it. Yeah. That sucks. But I love you… love isn’t selfish. seeing you being “okay” without me is worlds better than me keeping you to myself when that isn’t what you need. 

Yeah I know. “I do love you Jen” but you don’t understand. I was always more invested than you were. I mean jeez, you were it. You were my everything. You got me to consider the possibility of forever. and for someone who’s this pessimistic, the fact that I’d even accept the possibility that I could deserve to be that happy means a lot. You got in my head and when things changed I didn’t feel a single fucking thing. and I accepted a long time ago that you’d never love me like I loved you. But still, I mean there’s always gonna be this piece of me that’s waiting for you to realize that the girl who already knows you and knows how to take care of you is right fucking in front of you. I think you already know that to some extent, but I don’t know what’s so wrong with me that you didn’t fight for me. If you loved me enough why the hell did you not fight for me (AND NOT FIGHT WITH ME) just wondering why I wasn’t good enough?

God dammit I’m crying writing this. I hope you fucking realize how hard this is for me. I don’t fucking want to be here anymore but if I offed myself I know even if you didn’t care that I was gone, you’d feel guilty that you didn’t see it sooner and help. In all honesty the biggest reason I stayed here is because I don’t want you to feel like I could’ve helped. I’m not your mess to clean up anymore, and your mess are not mine to clean as well.

I know this is whole thing was random as hell but I’m buzzed and my thoughts are everywhere. I’ve been thinking really hard for the past couple weeks and I think I’m just gonna back off for a while. If you want me or need me then of course I’ll be there to help. But I feel like I annoy you and I don’t want to like pressure you into talking to me. So I guess I’ll go away for a bit. Please please please be careful, babe. I’ll catch ya later. 

Always,

J

ps: win me back

Emergency Call

She loved
           the city

           the night stars

   the snow

She loved, Love

especially 

         falling

              in

                  L

                   O

                     V

                       E

but now

      feels

nothing
not even the blizzard’s icy teeth

sinking its fangs into her skin.
To her right is the road 

that she followed

to break free 

of the quiet, safe life

worth anything 

and everything now.

Then she looks to 

the deceiving mirage

of a new start,

a bright

happy

future

filled with big beautiful towers

glowing their fake lights like amber constellations. 
her fault :

believing She was strong

practically invincible

safe

and nobody could 

take that away
but in one moment

all that 

fragile strength

was lost.
She never asked for

  the nightmares

  the fear of him

or for the responsibility of

two heart beats
but he didn’t listen,

said nobody will ever believe her

and once she found out about It

she lost 

her 

mind

completely.
looking down to the

rage of rapids

She places her hands on her

sick stomach

listens to the ZOOM of the

carefree cars

their sounds verifying that She is

finally

                 entirely

invisible.
nobody notices

       her hair restless in the wind

  the hem of her dress

       gently kissing the steele beam 

           that freezes her bare purple feet.

nobody notices

when she finally escapes

  when she sets herself free

and falls into

rectifying

darkness.

A Love Letter To Sissie

Sissie,

Though this is just how everybody calls you, do know that you fascinate me so much. With everything that you believe in and everything that you are certain of, you make me mean to hear and discover more.  Your assertions compel me to believe that there is more we could hope for in this cruel world.

I am completely aware that love letters are private possessions so forgive me, for reading yours otherwise. I have read your letter more than a couple times and my impressions never changed, instead it grows more and more immersed. And more often than not, I tend to feel like it’s me you’re writing. Like it’s me you’re addressing your love letter to.

And yes, darling, negativism is vicious. We should be mindful that there are things in life that are truly unfair, truly worth being upset about — and though we have lived a few, we should know that the worst by far are yet to come. And you have seen and wrote about this in the most throbbing possible way – diverging verdicts with the one you care a lot – I just worry that when those moments come, you may have been too busy navel-gazing and complaining throughout the relative nothings that you won’t know how to deal with much more actual pain, actual difficulty. We can’t avoid it, sometimes the fault lies somewhere else. Somewhere we cannot do anything about. Or maybe you could try seeing things from his take and realize how you both could compromise with your varied worlds. Because I’m pretty sure it’s the first thing that you both must learn to have – the need for a private world. “So we should make love with words and not fear of being overheard.” We could stand to appreciate it more.

It seems to me that you and your Mr. My-Own-Something are almost always not on the same page. Well, I’ve always thought you were, or perhaps you ought to be. It’s really sad that someone special to you takes the first chance s/he gets to do what s/he wishes to do, even if that means not conferring with you. And then suddenly, the space that you’ve built between the two of you will be the same distance of recollection that you will find hard to have the both of you to collide again.

Until you become still. Your “silence has made itself heard,” but you Sissie, you changed my view on this. I wanted gratitude to be one of my defining features, something that directs me in life and makes every taste sweeter, every color almost too deep and rich to look at. And as I stray myself for a dwelling I couldn’t help but think of the many ways to thank you, for making me believe that when I feel home, I will be home. And I will find it soon.

Always,

Jen

Performance

 
Some nights
I stand on stage
And read lines I have written
Lend my soul to strangers
And hope they enjoy it for the hour
I look out from blackness
To a crowd of many faces
But none of them
Are for me

Afterwards
I step out to greeting hands on shoulders
Smiling patrons with admiring words
But none of them
Are familiar
None of them
Are for me

I do not invite
Those I love
And the ones I do invite
Never come
Because they don’t really love me at all
I do not invite
Those who do
To come watch me dissolve
Underneath these bright lights
I do not spill myself out
To those who already know what lays inside

My poetry is a blanket for everything ugly

And there is no need
To place it on those who have already seen what is underneath
Some nights
I am saddened by this
By entertaining a crowd that knows nothing more
Than my name and writing
Yes they have seen me bleed

And to them,
It is nothing more
Than an act
But there is no clotting after the show
No army of white blood cells to end the spillage
It is just me
Along with the remnants of what I’ve poured out that day
What people often forget
Is that my words follow me home

Some nights
I share them with others
But most nights
I keep them to myself
And every night
They stay with me
Sleep in my bed
The only good is in the reassurance
Of knowing they will be there
In the morning
Unlike every other
Who has left after the climax
Everyone
Always leaves
And I am afraid
That if I wring myself empty
To those who already love me
They will do the same

I do not know
How to clean up my mess with pride
I only know
How to sweep it aside
So for now
I will continue
To stand on stage
And read lines I have written
Lend my soul to strangers
And hope they enjoy it for the hour
I know they will

My performance
Is their escape.

So is mine. 
  

2115

“To the Girl I’ve Never Met Before”

To the Boy You Should Wait For

WhenWordsCollide

I know you’re tired.

Tired of hearing empty words as if

every wretched day was built from useless scraps

and broken glass dressed as diamonds in the rough.

As if every “beautiful” and “fine” weren’t enough

to compliment what’s on the outside as they often

ignore what’s inside – which I’m sure you cherish more.

And even though I’ve never met you before

I feel like I should tell you a boatload of things

which might capsize and sink if left unsaid.

Yet what I dread is the fact that I might become what you hate the most.

All those men who have looked at you and saw

not you, but a prize they want to claim. As if the aim

is to see who the toughest is by winning your hand, and winning your

heart is just a bonus game. Every man who had held your hips

like a…

View original post 478 more words

Hindi Ako Ikaw

Isang araw, muntik na naman akong nagpakatanga. Isang araw, naisip na naman kita. Isang araw mong ginulo ang isip ko. Isang araw, binalik-balikan ko ang masasakit na alaala mo dahil isang araw, biglang iniwan mo ako.

Iniwan mo ako… at mula noon ilang araw akong wala sa sarili. Ilang araw iniisip ang mga dahilan kung bakit ka umalis. At kung bakit hindi ako ang iyong pinili. Ilang araw na akong nagbakasakali na maiisip mong ako na lang. Ilang araw na patuloy na umaasa sa pangakong babalik ka… “Babalik ako, bigyan mo ako ng isang linggo.” Ilang araw pa at naghintay ako, naghintay ako kahit alam ko na kung sino ang pinili mo.

Isang tanong na patuloy na gumugulo sa aking isipan. Isang tanong na hindi masagot nino man. Isang tanong na hindi ko makalimutan. Isang tanong na wala naman talagang kasagutan. Isang tanong, “Mahal, bakit mo ako iniwan?”

Hindi nga lang iniwan kundi iyo naring kinalimutan. Kinalimutan agad na parang walang pinagsamahan. Puta isang buwan, ganyan, isang buwan nga lang naman. Marahil naging mabilis nga ang mga pangyayari pero ipapaalala ko lang sa’yo ikaw – ikaw ang naunang nagbukas ng pinto. Ikaw ang naunang nagsabi ng “Mahal, bakit di natin subukan?” At sumubok ako. Lumaban tayo.  Ngunit pagkatapos ng lahat ay ano? Wala, wala nga palang tayo.

Alam mo, ito na marahil ang pinaka-tangang nagawa ko sa buhay ko. Sa sobrang ganda at saya kasi parang pwede nang isulat bilang isang nobela, baka nga bumenta pa sa Wattpad eh at ititulo ko “Tinidor” o kaya “Alexa”? Haha. Pero sa sobrang sakit din parang pang-soap opera. Kaya bakit ganun? Bakit parang ako lang ang nasaktan? Bakit parang ako lang ang nasasaktan? Bakit parang ako lang ang nahihirapan? Bakit parang ako lang nagmahal? Bakit ako lang? Bakit? Ah alam ko na… kasi hindi ako ikaw.

Hindi ako ikaw, ikaw na naging pipi sa pagsigaw na ako ang mahal mo. Ikaw na naging bulag sa pagtingin sa kung sino ang nandito. Ikaw na naging bingi sa mga salita niyang “hindi kita gusto!” Ikaw na pilit umiwas sa maliliit na eskinitang daan papunta sa puso ko. Ikaw na naging duwag sa pagtangkang sumabay sa daloy ng ilog na magdadala sa atin sa bukas.

Hindi ako ikaw. Ikaw na nagdulot lamang ng bagyo sa aking mga mata. Ikaw na nagdala ng lindol na ang epicenter ay sa puso ko at bumulabog sa mundo ko. Nagdala ka lang ng buhawi ng hangin na paikot-ikot lang at kahit sinisira mo ang lahat, nahihigop mo pa rin ako.
Ikaw. Ikaw pa rin ang bumitaw. Ikaw pa rin ang bibitaw. Sa kabila ng lahat ng kasawiang dinala mo sakin. Oo. Ako na yung tangang nagmahal pa rin sa’yo.

Ako na ang mabibingi at sa kalaunan ay magiging pipi, sa pagsigaw na mahal kita. Ako ang magiging bulag sa pagtingin sa iba dahil sa’yo lang mahal, sa’yo lang ako susubaybay. Oo, ako. Ako naman ang magiging bingi sa mga salitang minsan mo na  din sinabi sa akin, “hindi ikaw ang gusto ko!” At ngayon alam kong, hinding-hindi yun magiging ako. Ako ang sisiksik sa maliliit na eskinitang daan sa puso mo. Ako na ang lalangoy at sasabay sa daloy ng ilog maging sa hampas ng alon kahit wala ka na sa bukas na kahahantungan ko. Oo, ako.

Ako na ang nagpakamartir na harapin ang matitindi mong hangin. Ako na ang trainer wheels sa iyong bike. Ako na ang band-aid sa bawat sugat na iniwan ni Alexa, mga halik sa sugat na magpapatigil sa dugo. Ako na ang unan mong sa gabi mo lang nakikita, sinasandalan tuwing pagod, may problema, mahihigpit na yakap tuwing luha’y di tumitigil.  Ako na yung huling stick sa pakete mo ng sigarilyo, inosente’t di ka sasaktan, pero iba pa rin ang pinili mo.

Masyado nang mahaba ito, kaya tutuldukan ko na. Kasabay ng pagtutuldok sa masasaya at mapapait mong ala-ala. Kasi ngayon ako naman ang napagod na maghintay. Ngayon puso ko na naman ang unti-unting namamatay.  Pero hindi ko ito hahayaan kasi mali eh, sabi nga ni Trixie, “nasaktan mo lang ako, pero hindi mo ako napatay.”

Hindi ako ikaw, ikaw na tanga kasi pinakawalan mo ako. Mayabang man kung maririnig nila pero oo gago, ang laki mong tanga dahil iniwan mo ako. ‘Wag kang hangal kung sasabihin mong hindi siya ang pinili mo kundi ang sarili mo dahil alam natin pareho at sa kanya ka pa din babalik. Ito lang ang masasabi ko sa’yo. Minsan subukan mong maging “ako.” Para alam mo kung gaano kasakit. ‘Wag kang mabuhay sa parang. Sa parang sa’yo, pero hindi. Parang kayo, pero hindi. Parang mahal ka, tanga hindi.

1:05 AM

Agosto 5, 2015

Uni(berso)

the last time

Knowing that the person you love had fallen out of love with you is better than knowing that he’s /still/ inlove with someone else. 
Yes, they’ll both hurt af but the idea that he has never forgotten about someone from his past makes me think that none of that that had happened to us was real. 

And it sucks to realize that they were all magical that made them almost like in a dream. And all you are left to think is that he will never be an almost-lover, because the only thing that was missing then was the “label” and labels sucks. 

Maybe it’s my fault after all — maybe I didn’t made myself a prize, maybe I gave in too easily, or maybe you were just so into yourself that you think you can get everything that you wanted. But boy you gotta listen to me, I am never a fucking option. 

Yes, you used me to try out how you feel about her but really I guarantee you she will never understand you like I did. I swear among all the gods and the goddesses — you lost a masterpiece.

I’m claiming it, one day the emptiness will haunt you too. To hell with you. 💩